What if the key to being a better mom and building a successful business isn’t choosing one over the other—but understanding this one crucial distinction? Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, explains why your children shouldn’t be your purpose, and why that’s the best thing you can do for them.

We tell our kids they can be anything they want to be. Dream big. Reach for the stars. Any ambition is possible.

But then we become mothers, and suddenly we’re supposed to abandon our own dreams? According to Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom and creator of the Nurture to Convert methodology, this contradiction isn’t just unfair to us—it’s actually harmful to our children.

“It’s so funny that wanting to be both a mother and a woman who does things in the world is considered hard,” says Malstaff. “We were all humans with dreams when we were kids. We’re telling our kids to be whatever they want to be, but once you have kids, then you don’t get to have dreams? You see the illogic there.”

This raises a critical question that Dana Malstaff of BossMom addressed in a recent conversation that fundamentally shifted how thousands of mom entrepreneurs think about their ambitions: Should your children be your purpose?

The Burden of Being Someone’s Entire Purpose

Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, has a controversial take: Your children should not be your purpose. And she believes this distinction is critical for both your wellbeing and theirs.

“I do not believe that your children are your purpose,” explains Malstaff. “I actually think that is detrimental to your children, and I think it is burdensome for them. It’s a deep burden for your kids if you deeply believe that they are the only reason for your existence.”

Here’s why this matters: when your children are your purpose—your only reason for existing—then all your hopes, dreams, and sense of fulfillment rest on their outcomes. That’s an enormous weight for a child to carry.

The Stay-At-Home Mom Misconception

Dana Malstaff of BossMom is quick to clarify that this has nothing to do with whether you stay home with your kids or work outside the home. “I haven’t gone into an office since my children were born,” says Malstaff. “So for all intents and purposes, I was a stay-at-home mom. I just worked on things that were my own while I was home.”

The question isn’t about where you physically are—it’s about where your sense of purpose comes from. Understanding how to navigate motherhood while building something meaningful requires this fundamental mindset shift.

The Game-Changing Distinction: Kids Give You Purpose

According to the BossMom philosophy developed by Dana Malstaff, there’s a critical difference between these two statements:

• “My children are my purpose” (problematic)
• “My children give me purpose” (empowering)

What’s the difference?

When children are your purpose, your only dreams and excitement lie within their outcomes—outcomes you can’t control over an 18+ year process. “If your kids are your purpose, then everything you believe is hopeful, all your dreams, everything goes into the outcome of your children,” explains Malstaff. “You’re gritting your teeth being like, ‘I just want you to turn out the way I want you to turn out’ because they are the extension of your dreams.”

But when children give you purpose, they become the fuel that propels you forward. Dana Malstaff describes this as a reciprocal relationship: “Your children become the loving, compassionate, supportive fuel to help you know that you can do anything you want. You take that purpose and you go, ‘What do I wanna do with it? What is this gift my children have given me that now I can go out and achieve anything?'”

This reframing transforms everything about how you approach both motherhood and ambition.

Model, Don’t Martyr: The BossMom Philosophy

Dana Malstaff of BossMom has a phrase that encapsulates this entire philosophy: “Model, don’t martyr.”

“I owe it to my kid to show them that I can do anything,” says Malstaff. “So then we start to model instead of martyr. You’re gonna do your kids way more value to model, not martyr.”

The Disconnection Trap

Here’s what happens when you believe pursuing your dreams takes away from your children, according to BossMom founder Dana Malstaff: you isolate yourself. You become silent about your ambitions. You don’t share what you’re working on.

“When you believe something is taking away from something else—like if I go do this thing over here, I’m taking away from my children—then what you do is you isolate yourself,” explains Malstaff. “You don’t say anything about it. And if you don’t say anything, you start to keep it to yourself. You know what happens? Disconnection.”

This disconnection—from your kids, your partner, your friends—is what actually harms your relationships. Not the pursuit of your dreams, but the shame and secrecy around them.

Research supports this. Dana Malstaff references a study showing that children were more fulfilled and connected with parents who spent less time but were fully present and intentional, versus parents who spent more time but were distracted and mentally elsewhere. For this to work in your business, you need clarity on what you’re actually building so you can be intentional with both your work and family time.

Integration Over Isolation: Bringing Your Kids Along

According to messaging strategist Dana Malstaff, the magic happens in integration, not separation. She shares a perfect example from when her daughter was five or six at a pumpkin patch:

“I told her, ‘You either get a pumpkin or you go to the bouncy house.’ And my daughter goes, ‘How about we get a pumpkin, then you go to the car and get your computer, and while we’re in the bouncy house, you make some money?'” — Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom

Instead of feeling torn between giving her daughter both experiences and “being responsible,” Malstaff saw her daughter problem-solving and understanding how her mom’s work creates opportunities. “She’s like, ‘If I want both and there’s a way to get both, shouldn’t we do that?’ And I’m like, oh my gosh, I am raising such an awesome, way more confident version than I was at that age.”

Practical Integration Strategies

Dana Malstaff recommends involving your kids in age-appropriate ways:

For toddlers:

• Get a second keyboard so they can “type emails” alongside you
• Print a second copy of documents and let them highlight things
• Create a visual goal thermometer together and celebrate milestones

For all ages:

• Practice emotional honesty about your challenges and wins
• Involve them in problem-solving (“What do you think I should do about this?”)
• Celebrate your accomplishments together as a team

“That openness creates connection,” says Malstaff. “And that connection creates support and excitement for each other. Then they see what resilience really looks like. They can inspire you and you can inspire them.”

This approach to creating content and building your business while actively parenting isn’t about doing everything perfectly—it’s about doing it together.

The Reciprocal Fuel of Purposefulness

The BossMom methodology developed by Dana Malstaff centers on a reciprocal relationship between parent and child:

You tell your kids they can do anything → Your love and excitement fuels their confidence → Their belief in you fuels your sense of purpose → Your accomplishments show them what’s possible → They become proud of you, just as you are of them

“We tell our kids that they can do anything, right?” explains Malstaff. “And our love and excitement for who they could become, and the love that they then look up into us and say, ‘Thank you for being my rock, my pillar to give me this launchpad to be whoever I want’—that fuels our feeling of purposefulness.”

This creates what Dana Malstaff calls “a unit, a synergy, an electrical current” between you and your children. Not one where they have to achieve certain outcomes for you to feel fulfilled, but one where you empower each other.

What This Means for Your Business Mindset

When you embrace that your kids give you purpose rather than being your purpose, it fundamentally shifts your business mindset. You’re no longer building something that competes with your family—you’re building something that demonstrates to your family what’s possible when you pursue your gifts.

This is exactly the kind of mindset work we practice together inside the free BossMom community. You’ll connect with other mom entrepreneurs who are learning to model instead of martyr, plus get access to Dana’s frameworks for integrating your business with your real life as a mom—not some fantasy version where everything is perfectly separated.

Members are currently discussing how to involve their kids in their work in age-appropriate ways and supporting each other through the guilt that comes up when we challenge traditional expectations. Your perspective would add value, and you’ll find the permission and strategies you need to pursue your dreams without disconnection.

Join the free BossMom community here to connect with moms who understand that building something meaningful makes you a better parent, not a worse one.

Frequently Asked Questions

Doesn’t pursuing my business take time away from my kids? According to Dana Malstaff of BossMom, it’s not the time that matters most—it’s the quality of connection. Research shows that smaller amounts of intentional, present time create more fulfillment than larger amounts of distracted time. The key is integration, not isolation. When you’re open about what you’re building and involve your kids appropriately, you create connection rather than disconnection.

What if I feel guilty about having ambitions beyond motherhood? Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, reframes this completely: “You owe it to your kids to show them that you can do anything.” The guilt comes from believing your dreams take away from your children. But when you recognize that your children give you purpose (rather than being your purpose), that guilt transforms into fuel. You’re modeling what’s possible, not martyring yourself.

How young can I start involving my kids in my work? BossMom’s Dana Malstaff has been involving her kids since they were toddlers. Even a two-year-old can have their own keyboard to “type” alongside you, or help you count numbers on a visual goal tracker. The point isn’t that they understand your business—it’s that they see you building something and feel like they’re part of the team. For more on navigating this with young children, especially during the demanding toddler years, connection is key.

What does “model, don’t martyr” actually look like in practice? Dana Malstaff recommends practicing emotional honesty and celebration. Share when you’re working on something challenging, explain what you’re trying to accomplish in age-appropriate terms, and celebrate wins together. Instead of sacrificing silently (martyring), you demonstrate resilience, problem-solving, and persistence (modeling). Your kids learn more from watching you navigate real challenges than from you pretending everything is effortless.

How do I balance being present with my kids and building something meaningful? According to the BossMom approach created by Dana Malstaff, this question itself reflects the wrong framework. It’s not about balance—it’s about integration. You’re not trying to be two separate people. You’re one person who is both a mother and someone with gifts to share with the world. When you stop isolating these identities and start integrating them, the exhaustion of “trying to be multiple people” disappears. We explore essential topics for making this work inside the BossMom community.

About the Author

Dana Malstaff is the founder of BossMom, a community and education platform serving thousands of mom entrepreneurs, and creator of the Nurture to Convert messaging methodology. She specializes in helping moms build profitable businesses that work with their family life rather than against it. Dana believes that modeling possibilities for our children is more valuable than martyring ourselves, and that our kids give us purpose—they aren’t our purpose. Connect with Dana and other mom entrepreneurs in the free BossMom community.

Want to connect with other moms who are learning to model instead of martyr? Join the free BossMom community at bossmom.com/community where Dana shares ongoing training and members support each other in building businesses that integrate with real family life.