If you’ve been going through a friendship breakup, feeling like certain relationships suddenly don’t fit anymore, or questioning why you’re still showing up for people out of obligation rather than genuine connection—you’re not alone. And according to Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, and Annalie Bloomfield, author of Unapologetic: Unshackle Your Shame, Reclaim Your Power, this moment of friendship reckoning is not only common, it’s necessary.

“I think we’ve been given a beautiful dose of discernment,” explains Bloomfield. “And this sense of self-leadership is coming in rather than kind of giving that to other people to tell us who we need to be or what we need to do.”

In a recent conversation on the BossMom podcast, Dana Malstaff of BossMom and Annalie Bloomfield explored why friendship shifts are happening right now, the difference between exhausting boundaries and empowering standards, and why “communities of understanding” are the future of how we connect.

Why Friendship Breakups Are Happening Right Now

According to Annalie Bloomfield, who works with clients navigating major life transitions, there’s a pattern emerging. “All I’ve had all day, all for the last week, is people going through some really serious friendship stuff,” she shares, citing examples from her acupuncturist who reported the same phenomenon, from nasty WhatsApp groups to book clubs gone toxic.

Dana Malstaff of BossMom has observed the same shift in the mom entrepreneur space. The timing isn’t coincidental. After years of collective stress, survival mode, and putting relationships on autopilot, many women are experiencing what Bloomfield calls “the mist clearing from our eyes.”

“There is just gonna be this shift towards community, which sounds paradoxical,” says Bloomfield. “Surely that’s friends. But actually, I think it’s this community with discernment.”

The Shoulds That Keep Us Stuck

How many friendships are you maintaining because you “should”? According to the BossMom philosophy developed by Dana Malstaff, the “shoulds” are often what drain us most:

• “I should because they’re linked to the school”
• “I should because we’ve been connected for so long”
• “I should because we are neighbors”
• “I should because they came to my wedding”

“Actually, do you know what, no,” says Bloomfield. “Because if I spend that, it’s just taking too much of my precious energy. I cannot be slowed down and I cannot be made to feel bad. I’ve got shit that I need to achieve and stuff I wanna do. And I need people around me that don’t have to stand there cheering hard, but at least don’t hold me back.”

Understanding how to build a business with clarity also means getting clear on which relationships support that vision and which ones drain the energy you need to pursue it.

The Game-Changing Reframe: Boundaries vs. Raising Your Standards

Here’s where Annalie Bloomfield offers a reframe that Dana Malstaff immediately recognized as transformative: stop focusing on boundaries and start raising your standards.

Why Boundaries Feel Exhausting

“Boundaries has kind of gone into the generic mental health self-help bucket,” explains Bloomfield. “And there’s two parts that suck about boundaries: it’s very difficult to put a boundary in place. You often feel very bad about it. You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings because you’re probably very empathetic.”

Then there’s the shame spiral. “Good old shame can jump on top of you and knock the boundary,” says Bloomfield. “You’re like, ‘How could you not even do that, Annalie? What a loser you are. You said today that you were gonna go and tell your boss that you couldn’t stay late and look at you working.'”

According to Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, boundaries also feel hard because “the part of us that knows we should set that boundary isn’t the part of us that’s actually in control. It’s not the part that’s living, not the part that exists.”

“You’re saying, ‘Yeah, I wanna be this person, so I’m gonna set this boundary,’ but you’re not that person yet,” explains Malstaff.

The Power of Raising Your Standards Instead

Annalie Bloomfield discovered this reframe during her own healing journey after divorce and subsequent relationship disasters. “I was like, right, clearly my vibration is off, so I need to take myself out of this circle and work on me and get really, really happy with me.”

The shift? Raising standards instead of setting boundaries.

“A reframe about boundaries can be—because the other thing with boundaries is if you put them in place, it can feel very energetically off. Like, I’ve got to hold them, I’ve got to enforce. It’s still more work,” explains Bloomfield. “Whereas if you raise your own standards, people, generally speaking, will respond to that action.”

Example: Instead of setting a boundary around protecting your sleep (which requires enforcement and feels defensive), you raise your standard: “I’m really gonna prioritize my self-care and mental health. That means scheduling yoga classes, saying no to certain events, and making sure I can get good sleep.”

“That was me raising a standard for myself,” says Bloomfield. “And then people rise around you. It’s different.”

Dana Malstaff of BossMom adds: “When you’re talking about raising the vibration of who you are, which is really raising the standard, we have to do two things. One, we have to be okay with what gets let go. And two, emotional honesty.”

This approach to developing a stronger business mindset applies equally to how we show up in relationships, with ourselves first, then with others.

Unlimited Capacity vs. Scarcity Mindset

Dana Malstaff introduces another powerful concept: we actually have unlimited capacity, not limited capacity.

She shares a story about a past relationship with someone who had very low capacity. “I had to manage all the outputs and all the inputs. I had to manage all the things to make sure he was at this right space. And over time, what it did is it made me think that I had no capacity.”

The Turning Point

Malstaff describes hearing a man share a revelation about a phone call with his wife: “My wife calls me and she’s in a different city. She’s got the two kids running around and I can tell there’s a lot of noise and stuff. And there’s nothing that frustrates me more than not having her attention.”

He was about to end the call and tell her to call back later. Then he paused.

“He’s like, ‘What if I recognize she probably also doesn’t want kids running around and her attention divided? What if I just expanded my capacity to allow the situation to be the situation without deciding what I can handle before it’s even a thing?'”

According to Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, “Deciding we can’t handle it creates friction in our own body as if we’ve decided the outcome.”

The result? “He’s like, ‘I took this deep breath, and we had a great conversation that I would’ve shut off. I would’ve told her to call later. It would’ve made the disconnection.'”

Applying Unlimited Capacity

“I actually have unlimited capacity,” says Malstaff. “So it’s like, where is it that I want to—if I’m raising my standards—where is it where I feel like there’s a reciprocation of energy? Not because they’re doing for me what I do for them, but because there’s just a loving giving of experience.”

This shift transformed her relationship with her kids. “My relationship with my kids over the last year—they’re 10 and 12—have been amazing because all the things I thought I couldn’t handle because there’s too many things going on, now all of a sudden don’t feel like I even need a boundary on them. There is absolute complete and utter capacity and actually fruitfulness in some of the interactions we have.”

When you understand what you’re actually building in your business and life, navigating the demands of motherhood during challenging stages becomes less about managing scarcity and more about expanding into what’s possible.

Emotional Honesty: The Key to Everything

According to Dana Malstaff of BossMom, there’s one skill that matters more than anything else when it comes to both parenting and relationships: emotional honesty.

“The only thing you have to do for your kids if you want to hang out with them when you’re an adult, you wanna not worry about whatever they’re gonna be put in front of that they’re gonna get through it—it’s not resiliency, it’s emotional honesty,” explains Malstaff.

What Emotional Honesty Looks Like

Malstaff shares a powerful example from her own relationship. During a major business transition, her partner started asking questions that were pulling her into uncertainty about a decision she’d already made.

“In his loving way, he was asking me some questions that were pulling me into a state of having to explain something that I’m like, I don’t have the time or the space, and if you explain this to me, I’m gonna start questioning it. And I’ve already made this decision.”

Her response? Pure emotional honesty:

“I said, ‘Hey, in the most loving way I can say this, I can’t have that conversation right now because it’s gonna pull me back into it.’ And I was like, ‘And I can feel this like pit in my throat, like this frustration wanting to tell you to back off. But it’s not because of you, it’s because I know that it’s gonna pull me back into indecision mode and I need to stick with this thing I’ve decided.'”

The result? Connection instead of conflict.

“Because I was able to say that out loud, I was able to say like, with my kids, I’m like, ‘Hey guys, your rowdiness, I can feel that I’m gonna yell at somebody very soon, so I just need you guys to act accordingly.’ They’re like, ‘Okay, we’re on it. We’ll go yell at each other in the room.'”

Skillful vs. Unskillful Communication

Annalie Bloomfield builds on this concept, distinguishing between skillful and unskillful communication. “You basically knew that you were not in a very particularly well-regulated state,” Bloomfield tells Malstaff. “You skillfully communicated your why.”

The alternative? “People can be really effing unskillful but call it a boundary,” warns Bloomfield. “‘This is my boundary. I’m not doing that anymore.’ Like, what? That’s not a boundary. That’s just you being a dick.”

Here’s the distinction: “If people are struggling, the example with you having that conversation with your partner kept the connection. It didn’t push him away. It didn’t trigger you any further. You two stayed connected.”

According to Bloomfield, “It’s to educate other people how to stay in relationship with you. We don’t tend to bother putting boundaries in with people that we don’t mind losing. If someone’s trying to put the time in to say, ‘Look, I’m struggling with this, or I can’t be available for this, or I’m gonna need to do things a bit differently now’—they’re taking the time to have that conversation with you. Please try and be open to receiving it, because that is them asking to stay connected to you.”

This is exactly the kind of communication practice we work on inside the free BossMom community.</strong> You’ll connect with other mom entrepreneurs who are learning to communicate with emotional honesty instead of resentful silence, plus get support navigating the uncomfortable conversations that strengthen relationships rather than damage them.

Members are currently supporting each other through friendship transitions, family boundary-setting, and the emotional honesty required to build businesses while maintaining healthy relationships. Your perspective would add value, and you’ll gain the courage to have the conversations you’ve been avoiding.

Join the free BossMom community here to practice emotional honesty with women who understand that being real doesn’t mean being harsh—it means being brave enough to stay connected.

Communities of Understanding: The Future of Connection

Dana Malstaff of BossMom introduces a concept she’s been developing for years: communities of understanding.

“I have to have these separate places,” explains Malstaff, sharing a story about a friend whose wife had cancer. The wife would come home and download everything—all her frustrations, wishes, and struggles. The husband felt compelled to fix it all, carrying an enormous burden.

“He just told me, ‘I wish I could just tell her: These are things I’d love for you to tell your sister, because when you tell me, I wanna fix it because I love you, and then I hold that burden when you’re not actually asking me to fix it. You just wanna offload your feeling about things, shame or thoughts you have.'”

Different Spaces for Different Needs

According to the BossMom approach, we need different communities for different parts of ourselves. This isn’t about being inauthentic—it’s about recognizing that not every relationship needs to hold every part of you.

“We have to have these separate places,” says Malstaff. “I think our kids growing up are okay with little tiny micro communities where you don’t have the book club where somebody is trying to have a conversation about everything. We just recognize we all agree in this area, or we’ll all challenge each other, or this is what the purpose is of this container.”

Dana Malstaff recently attended a community builders event and shared insights about the future: “Places like Circle are creating a space where there are these micro invite-only small communities. And I think there’s a reason why that’s the future of what we opt into.”

What Makes a Community of Understanding

These aren’t echo chambers where everyone agrees on everything. According to Malstaff, “I think we wanna go somewhere where we feel complete and utter safety to be honest about one area of our life and who we are and to feel bountiful in that space as opposed to someone looking at you going, ‘You can’t do that.'”

Example: Malstaff’s mom would tell her, “You can’t charge somebody $10,000. They’re never gonna pay that.” But in her mastermind community, this limiting belief doesn’t exist. “I can’t have this conversation with you because it is a thing,” Malstaff explains. “And if you keep telling me it’s not a thing, I’m gonna think it’s not a thing. I’m gonna have a limiting belief which is yours. And I love you dearly. But two things can be true. You have a limiting belief, which is perhaps true to you and that is fine. And also that is not serving me.”

This principle applies whether you’re exploring essential topics for mom entrepreneurs or developing content strategies that actually work with limited time—you need communities that elevate your thinking, not reinforce limitations.

Paint Your Truck First: A Lesson in Not Self-Sacrificing

Dana Malstaff shares a deeply personal story about her birth father that illustrates why self-sacrifice isn’t noble—it’s harmful.

Her dad owned an autobody shop and was an amazing airbrush artist featured in magazines. He had a dually truck that was always brown, never painted. “Everybody in town knew him. And if you needed something, he was there. He’d kept people that were employees when he didn’t have the money to pay them.”

The result? “He ended up dying poor and unhealthy and alone. And it was really sad that the biggest thing he gave me was a life lesson.”

Malstaff keeps a picture of a red truck with hearts coming out of it in her manifestation frames. “My brother and I are like, I will never not paint my truck.</strong> I will never be the one that I am known for being so self-sacrificing that I never get to my own health, my own life, my own desires, my own wants. I will never do that because I saw what it did and it literally killed him.”

Two Things Can Be True

“He loved me the only way he knew how,” says Malstaff. “And what was nice about it is that he was very grateful to my mom and my stepdad for knowing how to love me in a way that’s fruitful.”

Annalie Bloomfield offers validation: “If he had perhaps had some more boundaries and not given everything to everyone else and put himself last and maybe did put his health at the top of the list or money or other things—it’s a good reminder as well for us to paint your truck first.</strong>”

According to Bloomfield, Malstaff’s father “didn’t deal with anything. He numbed it, and didn’t know himself. He surrounded himself with people so he didn’t actually have to look inside as a distraction.”

“The self-sacrifice and the surrounding ourselves with people—if we really thought about it, we have nothing in common with and don’t serve each other—it’s just a scapegoat for us actually figuring out who we are,” says Malstaff. “Because it’s way easier to self-sacrifice than it is to actually figure out who you are and what you want.”

Being vs. Doing

“It is much easier to be a human doing than a human being,” agrees Bloomfield. “It’s really scary just to be. It’s really scary to take away the distractions, the messages, the acts of service, the self-sacrifice.”

According to Bloomfield, “If you are doing that just to escape from being who you are and being happy alone with yourself—that’s such an important piece of work. And it’s very different to being lonely. Your dad was surrounded by people all the time, but he was drinking and doing those things to basically not get anywhere close to who he was at his core. He never probably knew himself.”

“That’s how we end up in shitty relationships,” says Bloomfield. “That’s how we end up settling for scraps. If you haven’t made friends with yourself first—what do you like? Not what they like. What things make you feel good? Not what people have told you you should do?”

Making Friends with Yourself First

Both Dana Malstaff and Annalie Bloomfield agree: you cannot build healthy relationships—friendships, romantic partnerships, or even with your kids—if you haven’t made friends with yourself first.

“If you haven’t learned about yourself first, what do you like? Not what they like. What things make you feel good? Not what people have told you you should do?” asks Bloomfield.

She describes herself as “a very eccentric mix of jigsaw pieces that would not fit together. It would not be neat and tidy. It would not be a pretty picture.” She has a piece of art that says “I love you just the way you are” featuring “a devil in a fire, a mermaid, a unicorn—all these complete crashing around of multiple things. And that’s who I am and I really like it and I really like all the different bits of me, and I don’t mind if it goes together or not.”

When People Are Triggered by Your Wholeness

“That is the greatest work that anyone can do,” says Bloomfield. “And then you will see friendships change as well because you’re gonna then see people that are very triggered by you being okay with you.”

Here’s the hard truth: “Some people do benefit from your brokenness and they prefer you that way.”

When you do the work to know yourself, raise your standards, and expand your capacity, some relationships will naturally fall away. And according to both Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, and Annalie Bloomfield, that’s not just okay—it’s necessary for your growth.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why are so many women experiencing friendship breakups right now? According to Annalie Bloomfield, women are experiencing a collective moment of discernment and self-leadership. After years of survival mode and giving energy to relationships out of obligation, many are reassessing which connections actually serve them. Dana Malstaff of BossMom observes the same pattern: women are getting clear on who they’re becoming and recognizing that not all relationships fit that vision anymore.

What’s the difference between boundaries and raising your standards? Annalie Bloomfield explains that boundaries require constant enforcement and can feel energetically draining—you’re holding a line against something. Raising your standards means elevating what you’re willing to accept for yourself, and people naturally rise to meet you there (or they don’t, revealing the mismatch). According to BossMom’s Dana Malstaff, boundaries often fail because you’re trying to enforce something before you’ve actually become the person who naturally lives that way.

How do I know if I’m self-sacrificing or just being a good friend/mom?</strong> Dana Malstaff, founder of BossMom, shares the “paint your truck first” principle: if you’re consistently putting yourself last to the point where your health, dreams, and wellbeing suffer, that’s self-sacrifice, not service. Ask yourself: Am I doing this from overflow or depletion? Am I resentful or joyful? Self-sacrifice leaves you depleted and resentful. Healthy service comes from having taken care of yourself first.

What are “communities of understanding” and why do I need them?</strong> According to the BossMom approach developed by Dana Malstaff, communities of understanding are spaces where you can be fully honest about one specific area of your life without needing everyone to understand every part of you. For example, you might have a business mastermind where you can talk about charging $10,000 without someone telling you “that’s not possible,” while your family gathering isn’t the place for that conversation. Different communities serve different needs—and that’s healthy, not inauthentic.

How do I practice emotional honesty without creating conflict? Dana Malstaff of BossMom recommends naming what you’re feeling in your body before it becomes a reaction. Example: “I can feel frustration building and I want to tell you to back off, but it’s not because of you—it’s because this conversation is pulling me into indecision about something I’ve already decided.” Annalie Bloomfield calls this “skillful communication”—you’re sharing your internal experience to maintain connection, not using honesty as a weapon.

What if raising my standards means losing friendships?</strong> According to Annalie Bloomfield, if raising your standards causes someone to pull away, they were benefiting from a version of you that wasn’t whole. “Some people do benefit from your brokenness and they prefer you that way,” she explains. Dana Malstaff adds that we need to be okay with what gets let go when we elevate who we’re becoming. The right people will rise to meet your standards; the wrong ones will reveal themselves by not trying.

About the Authors</h4>

Dana Malstaff is the founder of BossMom, a community and education platform serving th

ousands of mom entrepreneurs, and creator of the Nurture to Convert messaging methodology. She specializes in helping moms build profitable businesses that work with their family life rather than against it. Dana believes in “model, don’t martyr”—showing your kids what’s possible rather than self-sacrificing in silence. Connect with Dana and other mom entrepreneurs in the free BossMom community.

Annalie Howling is a globally sought-after speaker, performance coach, trauma specialist, relationships expert, and EMDR specialist. With over 20 years of experience, Annalie has worked with elite sportspersons, leaders in business, and members of the Armed Forces, including ex-UK Special Forces. She is the author of Unapologetic: Unshackle Your Shame, Reclaim Your Power. Annalie is based in London and regularly travels to Dubai, Los Angeles, New York City, and Ibiza. Connect with her on Instagram, subscribe to her Mindset Memos on Substack, or learn more about her Transform Your Trauma Retreats.

Want to connect with other moms who are learning to raise their standards instead of just setting boundaries? Join the free BossMom community at bossmom.com/community.  Where Dana shares ongoing training and members support each other through friendship transitions, emotional honesty, and building communities of understanding that actually serve them.